Serious Daddy's Girl

So last fall Rene had discovered that Ruby would become mesmerized by the TV whenever a football game was on. We laughed and thought it was probably just the small, fast movements and colors. Here we are a year later and she is hardly an infant anymore tricked by flashing lights. This kid actually likes football! Being that her first Padre game was at 6 weeks old, it's not surprising that one of her first pseudo-words has been "baseball" (pronounced "bay-ba") but to see her love of football is uncanny. She will actually sit there and watch an entire set of downs (whatever that's called). One day a few weekends back she actually stole the remote control from Rene, started flipping through the channels (yes, she knows how to do that already) and when the TV hit a football game she looked at Rene with surprise and threw down the remote - DONE! Naturally Rene can't be happier to have a child who is as into sports as he is and it's great for me because he has full on daddy time with her on Sundays. We'll just have to keep her beer guzzling down to a minimum for the next 18 years or so.

Craigslist rocks!

So, I'm having a really sappy moment right now. We are looking for a stroller and don't have a lot of money. Naturally we turn to craigslist and find a plethora of choices. To be able to so freely share phone numbers and emails with strangers is really refreshing in this isolated world we live in today. I just spoke to a woman (a fellow mother) about coming to look at her stroller and we spoke of nap times and car rides. I'm just totally in awe that I can call up someone I don't know and have her completely get me and my challenge with nap scheduling. It's so comforting to know that I am not alone!!! I actually got mildly choked up at the thought that through this online site of bartering I connected with another person. I've also been a huge subscriber to freecycle here in San Diego - truly a place of give and take without any "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours." I've had the opportunity to help people out with things that they need that I have (and don't need). In the process of bringing some maternity clothes to a women in need I got a chance to sit and visit with her. Ruby got to play with her son and a friend while my new friend and I talked about motherhood and pregnancy. Once again, a random connection of like people who probably never would have met if it weren't for these forums. She now keeps me posted on her pregnancy and I have started a collection box of Ruby's hand-me-downs for her (it's her first girl - with 3 boys). For those of you who know my dream of having a mother-to-mother exchange, you know how rewarding it is for me to connect like this.

my ramblings and guilt about daycare

So I found a daycare that fit a majority of the things I was looking for:

• Good vibe from the provider (it's a guy - I like the daddy-daycare thing)
• Clean house/facility
• Child-friendly & stimulating environment
• Happy kids in Ruby's relative age-range

What I didn't get was:

• Organic/whole foods menu
• Location near my home

We visited a few times for a couple hours prior to starting and then we dropped her off on two separate days last week on a "trial". She was fine when I dropped her off - playing with the other kids and the new toys. Day two was pretty easy also. then we had a three day weekend where we (Rene, Ruby & I) were practically joined at the hip. Monday came and it was a different story. Thank god Rene dropped her off that morning because he said she cried pretty hard. Then on Tuesday even harder. I picked her up both those nights and she seemed exhausted. I would be too if i was playing with other kids all day, every day. It would probably be like me shopping non-stop each day - fun but very exhausting. Both last week and this week she's come home with a diaper rash (not a common thing in our house). I had Rene ask the provider if they could change her more often. I didn't like his defensive nature when answering, "we change her every hour" - my ass! That got me set off about finding out what exactly I'm entitled to ask of a daycare provider. I did a ton of research and came up with a list of nap & feeding guidelines. I dropped her off today and discussed my list with him. It felt awkward. I'm afraid of being that annoying parent. But I'm even more afraid of giving up my control as Ruby's parent to someone else whose style may not match ours. There was naturally a bit of defense that came from him (hey I get defensive when my boss calls me out on shit too). After being there for more than 30 minutes I finally got up to go and Ruby lost it. Blood red face and blood curdling screams. I told her I'd see her later and walked out. I hid behind the garage (out of sight) until she stopped crying (minutes) and then left. I was sobbing before i left the driveway. This overwhelming guilt came over me that I could leave my daughter crying like that in a place where she obviously doesn't (and can't expect to) get the same level of attention she does with us. I didn't even have work today. I just came home and took a nap and then went and got an ice cream cone. Is it wrong for me to need some peace and a slice of time to myself? Is it selfish for me to not spend every available moment with her? We spent the morning at a La Leche League meeting before daycare so it's not like I didn't want to be with her. I just feel like I need to recharge.

So, I'm just feeling icky and paranoid (which doesn't men that I'm wrong) and guilty about this whole daycare thing. I wish I had the capacity to hang with her all day everyday but I just don't. I know I am the best mom I know how to be and that I'm not without my limitations. I guess there comes many times when she has leave the nest to go to uncertain, uncontrollable horizons and I need to find some peace in that. She's in a good place with happy kids, kind people, and a clean, safe enviroment.

the big 35

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

This is the new 35 year old me...happy, still super fun, more confident than ever, a loving mother and wife, and most of all - an amazing women (if i do say so myself).

What an awesome life (both wonderful & challenging) these years have been. I am so blessed on this day to have my health, my friends, and my family. I am strengthened everyday by the love of the people in my life. Knowing that we have all crossed paths in this spec of time is so awe inspiring. How special every single interaction is! I don't take any of it for granted. My promise to myself & those in my life is that I will try to be the best person I can be - fulfilling my true potential so that I can be an inspiration to my daughter.

I have loved being in my 30's. I'm not sure how I feel about being officially middle-aged but I think it fits pretty good. Shit, I've lived more life in these 35 years than some people live in an entire lifetime. So Happy Birthday to me!

san francisco weekend

What an amazing weekend!!!

We went to my cousin's wedding on Friday (congrats Lindsay & Tony!!). It was so beautiful. We had to leave early though since we are now the parents of a youngster past her bedtime when the champagne was rollin' out. After putting Ruby & I to bed Rene partied with my family until the weee hours of the morning becoming the peace keeer for the inevitable drama that reared its ugly head after too many cocktails. Oh, family drama is so much fun! It was such an amazing visit with my cousins, aunts, uncles, mom, siblings. We really got to spend some valuable time just hanging out. It reminded me that no matter how much I may bitch about my family - I would not be complete without the connection I have with all of them. I want Ruby to have that strong sense of family where you can truly be your most authentic self and still be loved by this strange grouping of people that share your DNA. Family rocks!

Then there was the other side of the weekend!!!!

G-ma was amazing and took Ruby up to her house for the night so Rene & I could have a little fun. Saturday was my dear friend Sabrina's birthday. Rene & I, along with Sabrina & her husband Joshua & her brother Jonathan, went to the coolest place called Supperclub. We laid in beds in an all white club/restaurant while eating a 5 course dinner, sipping champagne and extravagant cocktails, and feasting our eyes on some very avant garde performance art. The menu tried to be something of a Top Chef tasting and on some levels it succeeded; here's how the course broke down:

1. Heirloom tomato and bread salad with fresh mozzerella (super yummy!)
2. Tuscan white bean soup with cheese crostini (boring)
3. Diver scallops in some tomatoey compote served in a metal dog food bowl (super yummy and fun)
4. Seared duck with bread stuffing (stuffing good but dry, duck was sweet - I'm not a fan of duck so I was mildly scared)
5. Chocolate mousse with sweet cream atop a thing chocolate cake - aka Adult Ho-Ho (super yummy & decadent)

There was a dj spinning all kinds of music from old jazz vocals (Sabrina's set list when she sings) to house music that gets you moving. We were dancing on table tops, eating in bed, getting massages at the dinner table, and otherwise having the time of our lives. It honestly took me no time at all to forget for one evening that I was a mom and enjoy myself as a human. There was an opera performance, drag extravaganzas, bloody renditions of U2, a conga line (yes, I conga-ed), and interesting visual displays of light. I tasted yummy food & drink, listened to butt shaking tunes, watched crazy performances, smelled beautiful food as each course was prepared, and felt the floor with my bare toes as I danced all night. I tickled all five of my senses (the mission of Supperclub). I felt super sexy and flirty all night. We finished off the night by walking back to our hotel several blocks away (in true SF style) to change our clothes and go out for latenight dining at Mel's. We sat in the window overlooking the elevator lobby of a hip-hop club that had just closed - serious people watching!

I am madly in love with San Francisco. It feeds my soul to spend time there - to experience the gems and treasures of such an amazing city. I can't wait to share SF with Ruby as she gets older. I still remember taking my sister to the Haight Street Fair when she was young where she saw her first 3 foot high blue mohawk.

We stayed at beautiful hotels and ate room service and had sex and played and really took a bonafide vacation. It was the break I was looking for - craving really. Rene and I feel much better about the demands of being mom & dad now that we had a glimpse of Heather & Rene again.

Thanks a million Mamma Mackin!!

Thanks a million Ruby!!!

Thanks a million Mo-bergs!!!

hey there dj ruby

We're hittin' the road & we need music...



Since daddy has been giving Ruby music appreciation every morning thanks to itunes & you tube, she is in charge of making our road trip play lists. She really does have a knack for a good mix. She bumps to Beyonce & Outkast and then bangs her head to Bad Religion & Pennywise.

We're headed out on our first family road trip tonight. We're driving just past LA tonight and then the rest of the way to the Bay Area tomorrow. It's my cousin's wedding tomorrow night and I'm thrilled to show our precious Ruby off to the family. Most of them haven't seen her since Christmas or even last summer when she was only weeks old. I'm sure we will have tons of fabulous pictures to show & stories to tell when we get back.

Wish us happy travels and a peaceful passenger...cross your fingers!

she's officially a toddler

She is officially ONE year old!

Ruby turned one yesterday and we let her eat cake...She devoured ever last bite - it was hilarious! Surprisingly enough she went right to bed afterwards and had a perfect night sleep. Aaaahhhh, chocolate ecstasy!

Ruby's new birthday shoes...we found an awesome pair of baby/toddler shoes that have the best of leather soft soles & rubber insets. These Rile Roos are her first (of I'm sure to be many) pair of Ruby Slippers. They go perfectly with the beautiful hand loomed dress from Guatemala that Ruby's Tia Holly brought back from her recent visit. I decided that Ruby needs other colors in her life besides pink. After all, she's not a baby anymore (she told me to say that - wink wink).

happy birthday ruby!!

Happy Birthday Ruby!!

Our little girl turns one year old today. I feel like I have known her forever. I look back and realize how incomplete my life was before she graced us with her presence. This last year I have learned so much about myself. I have learned patience and compassion for a child who doesn't speak my language and for a husband who sometimes feels like an outsider to the bond Ruby and I have and for myself because I have overcome so much physically and emotionally and still have the ability to make my daughter laugh. She is the greatest gift I have ever gotten. She is the greatest teacher I will ever have.

This time last year I was getting ready for surgery to have her extracted from my womb. I had a scheduled c-section exactly 40 weeks from the day we conceived her. A good friend of mine reminded me that if we had been in a third world country that Ruby and I both may have died during childbirth because she was not only breach but very large. Without modern medicine it is quite possible that I may not have been able to pass her. So how insanely grateful I am that we have those luxuries here in America. I am no less a mother because my vagina wasn't engaged during childbirth. I have known many women who have had c-sections and I always felt sorry for them - somehow they had missed out on a rite of passage. I realize now how silly that is. Being a mother at all, be it by vagina, surgery, or adoption is truly the greatest rite of passage. I hope for Ruby that she will one day know this feeling of being a mother and having this incommunicable love for another being.

Okay so now for her stats...

• Unassisted steps taken - 0
• Seconds standing unassisted - 1
• Drawers/Cabinets opened & emptied on a daily basis - 7
• Daily naps - 2
• Average daily hours of sleep - 12-14
• Words - ba ba (bye bye), ki ka (kitty cat), maow (meow), ma ma ma ma ma (mommy), pa (daddy), ga (all gone)
• Sign language - milk, bath, eat, change diaper, nap, all gone, hello/good-bye
• Body parts she knows & can point to - toes, belly button, ears, tongue
• Teeth - 7
• Favorite book to read alone - The Cat in the Hat
• Favorite book to read to her - My Pretty Kitten (at least that was her favorite yesterday)
• Favorite Lovey - Rattone the Rat
• Favorite Pastimes - Chasing the cat & playing in the bathroom
• Favorite Food - Bananas

I think that pretty much solidifies what a totally normal and exceptional child she is. I am honored that she chose me to be her mom. I love you Ruby. You are my shining star!

teenager in training

Wow, I see the future. She really is a mini version of me. Already into my jewelry and on the phone all the time. She poses for the camera with crazy awareness - like she's posing for the paparazzi. She knows the power of her smile - all full of new teeth.

Her nursing strike, diarrhea, crappy mood phase from last week is over - thank god! She has been so much fun these past few days.

We went to our 4th first birthday party on Saturday night and she partied hardy with all her friends. We took a plate of food home for daddy and on the way back Ruby got hungry. The only thing on the plate that was edible for her was a corn dog (albeit a turkey corn dog). I handed it to her thinking she would play with it but before my eyes the kid starting noshing away. She ate that whole corn dog! This girl is no longer a baby, that's all I have to say.

What a year this has been...tomorrow is her birthday.

5 year anniversary

Yeah! I see the light at the end of the tunnel with this nursing strike! She actually took my breast twice this morning! I knew if I just had patience she would find her way back. The poor thing has just felt awful the past few days with these teeth coming in. She took a four hour nap yesterday and when she got up she had a pretty high fever. She ate a banana like it was THE most amazing thing EVER! The doctor ordered Tylenol & Pedialyte and by this morning she was back to normal. I'm assuming whatever tooth it was that was causing so much grief finally popped through - I wouldn't know since she won't let me in her mouth to check it out.

Today is my 5 year wedding anniversary with Rene. What a crazy, up-and-down 5 years it has been. Things are really good right here, right now. We are learning to take each other & this marriage one day at a time. The good days inspire us for more good days and the bad days give us something to learn from. In fact we got in a big fight yesterday morning and by 10:00am we had actually worked through it with a lot of learning on both our parts.

Last night Rene organized a babysitter and an evening out with a bunch of our friends at one of my favorite San Diego joints (The Turf Club). I got all dolled up and did my makeup & hair. I felt really sexy for the first time in LONG time. Rene was so cute on the way down there in the car. He was obviously really happy and chatty. I said something about it and he said, "Hell yeah I'm happy, I'm goin' out with my girl!!" It felt like we were on a real date. We even ended up at a karaoke bar and I got up and sung (well, I really doubt you can call it singing). We had a lot of fun!! It felt really good to be out and about. Although I was checking my phone for babysitter calls all night and I found myself constantly trying to talk about something other than Ruby.

Today the three of us going to the beach to celebrate our anniversary as a family. On our honeymoon in Tahiti we said that every five years we would go back. Well, here we are five years later and no Tahiti. But we do have a beautiful, perfect San Diego beach five minutes from our house. Not bad at all.

breastfeeding manifesto - i love it!

So I finally found someone out there who unapologetically feels the same way I do about public breastfeeding. Most of my other mom friends seem to be fine with breastfeeding in public...with other mothers but are soon to cover up and/or remove themselves & baby when men or other non-familiar people are around. I, on the other hand, could care less who is around, watching, or judging. Call me a free-spirit, call me an exhibitionist. Both might be true; however, rest assured that my goal in public breastfeeding is not to "show 'em my tits!!" as in some Girls Gone Wild video but rather to feed my child. What an amazing gift it is that my body has not only created and grown her from sperm & egg but that I can now nourish and sustain her health and vitality from my own body. My body, which by the way, has suffered from cancer and cancer treatments in the past. My body had all but given up on me a few years ago and now it can grow & feed a new life. Are you kidding me? I'm not hiding/covering/being discreet about shit!!!! I am so amazingly thankful for this body. This is my superhero power - I can breastfeed!

Now, if I can only get little Ruby to stop this nursing strike - I can go back to practicing what I preach!

nursing strike redux

So Ruby is on a nursing strike. Hold off the boobie!! It actually seems offensive to her to even think about mommy's milk - be it from my breast or a bottle. She's basically not into anything to "drink" other than water. She's hungry as all get out though. She'll gobble up just about anything I put in front of her.

I've done tons of research on this subject, as this is our second nursing strike. The first time around I felt horrible. I felt like an "empty-nester" - she doesn't need/want me anymore. I soon discovered it had nothing to do with how she feels about me but just about everything to do with her new teeth. Imagine how frustrated she must be. This time around I'm trying to stay much more calm; knowing that this strike won't last forever. I thought I was done pumping but I had to drag that thing out again. I did not miss feeling like a electronically expressed cow - sexy!

It does illicit the fear of this soon being over though. I truly cherish my bonding with her and am sad to imagine a time when I'm the one person who can and will embarrass the hell out of her.

For now, I just pray that she'll find her way back to the comfort of my breast. Boobs rule!

happy birthday g-ma!

Ruby's namkesake grandma turns 42 (wink wink) today. Have an awesome day mamma mackin!



As for Ruby...

The teeth are coming in like crazy!! Check out this chart of how & when they are supposed to come in...

She originally got her two bottom teeth first several months ago. Then a few weeks ago all four front top ones started popping through - are you kidding me?? The poor kid was not happy! Just when she/I have gotten used to her new pearly whites it looks like she's got four more coming in. Oh boy, now she's really grouchy! I pray for them to pop through soon!! This kid could be eating steak soon -sheesh! She's taking a late nap right now which I'm actually encouraging. She has been so irritable with these new developments.

our little girl

So, I know you have all been waiting for this blog for sometime now. Things have been beyond crazy so I hope that you forgive the delay...

I would like to introduce you all to my daughter, Ruby Jocelyn Silva. She was born almost a year ago on 7/24/06 at 1:13pm. She was 10 lbs-4 oz and 21.5 in long.


She is truly the brightest, most extrordinary, shining star in my sky. She laughs and smiles and babbles most of the day. She honestly rarely cries and if she does - it dosn't last long. She is such a happy baby - so full of life!

Be patient with me if I don't update this as regularly as I did with Bob - I didn't have my hands full with a newborn back then. My intention is to update this blog with her many developmental milestones and for my own proud mamma bragging :)

could she be any cuter???

Ruby had fun today playing in a fountain at a local strip mall. Its the kind of fountain that looks like part of the sidewalk - that is until water shoots out of little holes. Ruby and her friends Gabriel & Skylar all crawled around unexpecting. It was hilarious to watch their expressions as the water would catch them off guard. Shock followed by cool summer bliss. Oh to be a kid again and play in the water like that. If only we could all cool off like this on a hot summer day.