my ramblings and guilt about daycare

So I found a daycare that fit a majority of the things I was looking for:

• Good vibe from the provider (it's a guy - I like the daddy-daycare thing)
• Clean house/facility
• Child-friendly & stimulating environment
• Happy kids in Ruby's relative age-range

What I didn't get was:

• Organic/whole foods menu
• Location near my home

We visited a few times for a couple hours prior to starting and then we dropped her off on two separate days last week on a "trial". She was fine when I dropped her off - playing with the other kids and the new toys. Day two was pretty easy also. then we had a three day weekend where we (Rene, Ruby & I) were practically joined at the hip. Monday came and it was a different story. Thank god Rene dropped her off that morning because he said she cried pretty hard. Then on Tuesday even harder. I picked her up both those nights and she seemed exhausted. I would be too if i was playing with other kids all day, every day. It would probably be like me shopping non-stop each day - fun but very exhausting. Both last week and this week she's come home with a diaper rash (not a common thing in our house). I had Rene ask the provider if they could change her more often. I didn't like his defensive nature when answering, "we change her every hour" - my ass! That got me set off about finding out what exactly I'm entitled to ask of a daycare provider. I did a ton of research and came up with a list of nap & feeding guidelines. I dropped her off today and discussed my list with him. It felt awkward. I'm afraid of being that annoying parent. But I'm even more afraid of giving up my control as Ruby's parent to someone else whose style may not match ours. There was naturally a bit of defense that came from him (hey I get defensive when my boss calls me out on shit too). After being there for more than 30 minutes I finally got up to go and Ruby lost it. Blood red face and blood curdling screams. I told her I'd see her later and walked out. I hid behind the garage (out of sight) until she stopped crying (minutes) and then left. I was sobbing before i left the driveway. This overwhelming guilt came over me that I could leave my daughter crying like that in a place where she obviously doesn't (and can't expect to) get the same level of attention she does with us. I didn't even have work today. I just came home and took a nap and then went and got an ice cream cone. Is it wrong for me to need some peace and a slice of time to myself? Is it selfish for me to not spend every available moment with her? We spent the morning at a La Leche League meeting before daycare so it's not like I didn't want to be with her. I just feel like I need to recharge.

So, I'm just feeling icky and paranoid (which doesn't men that I'm wrong) and guilty about this whole daycare thing. I wish I had the capacity to hang with her all day everyday but I just don't. I know I am the best mom I know how to be and that I'm not without my limitations. I guess there comes many times when she has leave the nest to go to uncertain, uncontrollable horizons and I need to find some peace in that. She's in a good place with happy kids, kind people, and a clean, safe enviroment.

the big 35

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

This is the new 35 year old me...happy, still super fun, more confident than ever, a loving mother and wife, and most of all - an amazing women (if i do say so myself).

What an awesome life (both wonderful & challenging) these years have been. I am so blessed on this day to have my health, my friends, and my family. I am strengthened everyday by the love of the people in my life. Knowing that we have all crossed paths in this spec of time is so awe inspiring. How special every single interaction is! I don't take any of it for granted. My promise to myself & those in my life is that I will try to be the best person I can be - fulfilling my true potential so that I can be an inspiration to my daughter.

I have loved being in my 30's. I'm not sure how I feel about being officially middle-aged but I think it fits pretty good. Shit, I've lived more life in these 35 years than some people live in an entire lifetime. So Happy Birthday to me!

san francisco weekend

What an amazing weekend!!!

We went to my cousin's wedding on Friday (congrats Lindsay & Tony!!). It was so beautiful. We had to leave early though since we are now the parents of a youngster past her bedtime when the champagne was rollin' out. After putting Ruby & I to bed Rene partied with my family until the weee hours of the morning becoming the peace keeer for the inevitable drama that reared its ugly head after too many cocktails. Oh, family drama is so much fun! It was such an amazing visit with my cousins, aunts, uncles, mom, siblings. We really got to spend some valuable time just hanging out. It reminded me that no matter how much I may bitch about my family - I would not be complete without the connection I have with all of them. I want Ruby to have that strong sense of family where you can truly be your most authentic self and still be loved by this strange grouping of people that share your DNA. Family rocks!

Then there was the other side of the weekend!!!!

G-ma was amazing and took Ruby up to her house for the night so Rene & I could have a little fun. Saturday was my dear friend Sabrina's birthday. Rene & I, along with Sabrina & her husband Joshua & her brother Jonathan, went to the coolest place called Supperclub. We laid in beds in an all white club/restaurant while eating a 5 course dinner, sipping champagne and extravagant cocktails, and feasting our eyes on some very avant garde performance art. The menu tried to be something of a Top Chef tasting and on some levels it succeeded; here's how the course broke down:

1. Heirloom tomato and bread salad with fresh mozzerella (super yummy!)
2. Tuscan white bean soup with cheese crostini (boring)
3. Diver scallops in some tomatoey compote served in a metal dog food bowl (super yummy and fun)
4. Seared duck with bread stuffing (stuffing good but dry, duck was sweet - I'm not a fan of duck so I was mildly scared)
5. Chocolate mousse with sweet cream atop a thing chocolate cake - aka Adult Ho-Ho (super yummy & decadent)

There was a dj spinning all kinds of music from old jazz vocals (Sabrina's set list when she sings) to house music that gets you moving. We were dancing on table tops, eating in bed, getting massages at the dinner table, and otherwise having the time of our lives. It honestly took me no time at all to forget for one evening that I was a mom and enjoy myself as a human. There was an opera performance, drag extravaganzas, bloody renditions of U2, a conga line (yes, I conga-ed), and interesting visual displays of light. I tasted yummy food & drink, listened to butt shaking tunes, watched crazy performances, smelled beautiful food as each course was prepared, and felt the floor with my bare toes as I danced all night. I tickled all five of my senses (the mission of Supperclub). I felt super sexy and flirty all night. We finished off the night by walking back to our hotel several blocks away (in true SF style) to change our clothes and go out for latenight dining at Mel's. We sat in the window overlooking the elevator lobby of a hip-hop club that had just closed - serious people watching!

I am madly in love with San Francisco. It feeds my soul to spend time there - to experience the gems and treasures of such an amazing city. I can't wait to share SF with Ruby as she gets older. I still remember taking my sister to the Haight Street Fair when she was young where she saw her first 3 foot high blue mohawk.

We stayed at beautiful hotels and ate room service and had sex and played and really took a bonafide vacation. It was the break I was looking for - craving really. Rene and I feel much better about the demands of being mom & dad now that we had a glimpse of Heather & Rene again.

Thanks a million Mamma Mackin!!

Thanks a million Ruby!!!

Thanks a million Mo-bergs!!!

hey there dj ruby

We're hittin' the road & we need music...



Since daddy has been giving Ruby music appreciation every morning thanks to itunes & you tube, she is in charge of making our road trip play lists. She really does have a knack for a good mix. She bumps to Beyonce & Outkast and then bangs her head to Bad Religion & Pennywise.

We're headed out on our first family road trip tonight. We're driving just past LA tonight and then the rest of the way to the Bay Area tomorrow. It's my cousin's wedding tomorrow night and I'm thrilled to show our precious Ruby off to the family. Most of them haven't seen her since Christmas or even last summer when she was only weeks old. I'm sure we will have tons of fabulous pictures to show & stories to tell when we get back.

Wish us happy travels and a peaceful passenger...cross your fingers!